Tensions

Leading a dinner group means living inside tensions you do not get to resolve. You pedal both sides, like a bicycle. Lean too hard one way and the group stops going anywhere.

There are two of them.

Tension 1: Relationship and growth

Relationship is building strong relationships in the group, helping each other through the good times and the hard ones, doing life together.

Growth is increasing what we know of the Bible, applying it to our lives, and growing spiritually.

Think back to your last dinner group. How did your group do with these?

• I connect deeply with the people in my group.
• I was adequately challenged in my group to grow.
• Do you lean more toward relationship or growth?

As leaders we have to care for our people and hold them accountable at the same time. Be their friend and their leader. Is that even possible?

It starts with relationship. One thing that separates a dinner group from a class is that forming relationships is a primary goal. Hoboken Grace wants every dinner group full of people who care for and invest in each other. There are countless stories of people who found lifelong friends and survived life altering seasons because of the relationships in their dinner group. Loving and caring for each other changes lives.

So how do you manage the tension? Start here. Never underestimate the small talk that happens in dinner group. Small talk is big stuff. It lays the foundation for real relationships to form. Give it time. Let people share what is actually going on in their lives without feeling like you have to shift the focus to spiritual things.

A valuable skill is finding out what your people like to do, then going and doing it together. Groups camp, bowl, ice skate, play video games. Celebrate what matters to them: birthdays, anniversaries, kids’ soccer games, graduations, baptisms. People will trust you as their spiritual leader only if they believe you care about them as individuals and are interested in their lives.

Who is someone who showed real care for you and earned your trust as a spiritual leader or mentor?

You cannot stop at relationships, or you are running a social club. Your goal is helping people grow in their relationship with Jesus Christ. That usually starts with you talking openly about your own. Tell your group what God is doing in your life. The more you share about your own journey at group, the easier it gets for everyone else to open up about theirs.

How do you feel about this statement: “Friendship draws us into a group, but unless someone is willing to challenge us and help us grow, most of us will not stick with the group.”

What will you do from day one in your dinner group to keep pedaling both sides of this bicycle?

Tension 2: Inclusion and intimacy

Inclusion is keeping the dinner group open, consistently inviting and including new people.

Intimacy is developing close relationships between the people already in the group.

Think back to your last dinner group. How did your group do with these?

• I wish our group added more new people and was outward focused.
• I wish our group had focused more on growing closer together.
• Do you lean more toward inclusion or intimacy?

Here is why this one is hard. Deep connection is one of the main things that draws someone to a dinner group, a place to be known and to talk about their real life. That kind of closeness is difficult for adults to find. So when people finally find it they hold on tight, and the fear of losing it turns a group inward.

That is the irony of it. Almost everyone in your group got there because somebody invited them in. If that group had been closed and inward focused, they never would have been included. Dinner groups cannot lose the vision of including people so they can experience the same thing you did.

The early church already solved this

The leaders of the early church somehow did both at once. They formed strong, close relationships and kept including people at the same time.

They devoted themselves to the apostles’ teaching and to the breaking of bread and the prayers. Awe came upon everyone, because many wonders and signs were being done by the apostles. All who believed were together and had all things in common; they would sell their possessions and goods and distribute the proceeds to all, as any had need. Day by day, as they spent much time together in the temple, they broke bread at home and ate their food with glad and generous hearts, praising God and having the goodwill of all the people. And day by day the Lord added to their number those who were being saved.

Acts 2:42-47

They did not let their love of real community stop them from bringing people in. Being able to fully participate in a community that open was the whole draw. If they had stayed with their original circle, the church never would have spread and none of us would be here. If they had focused only on outsiders, the people already inside would have gone unmet, and the community would have been a lot less worth joining.

Here is the part most leaders miss. Inclusion can create intimacy. Ask any veteran about the bonds formed with their unit. Ask anyone who has been on a team that won something. Working together to bring somebody in is itself the thing that pulls a group close. As a leader you get to help your group believe that, and then experience it.

Three keys to pedaling inclusion

1. Always be inviting. Have the whole group own it, not just you.
2. Always have an apprentice. Who carries this on?
3. Always value reproducing, even from the start.

Three keys to pedaling intimacy

1. Lead authentically. You set the tone.
2. Love and respect others. We are all at different places in the journey.
3. Listen to your group members. Learn to be quiet.

The practical version of all this is the Us Night, which is the night you run for intimacy, paired against the connection event you run for inclusion. That page has the rhythm.

It is an art, not a formula

The most important thing for a new dinner group leader to get is this. Leading is not a formula. It is more art than science. You are not a teacher or a facilitator. You are an environmentalist, and the job is constant cultivating and balancing so that biblical community and life change have somewhere to happen.