Activity · Connecting
Us Night
A night with no agenda except getting closer, and the answer to the intimacy versus inclusion tension
Leader Context
Us Nights are nights designed for the group to grow closer together.
They sit under Connecting because they work like a private connection event. The point is to build intimacy inside the group. They can also be used to be inclusive, which makes them the right home for the things that would not make a great public connection event.
Trying a new restaurant. Brunch together after service. A sporting event. A game night. Things that bring “us” together.
Where the name came from
Urban Coalhouse had just opened, and people kept asking whether we could do a church event there. Sending 1,200 people to a brand new restaurant is not a good idea, for us or for them. But eight people on a Thursday is exactly right.
That is the gap Us Nights fill. Plenty of good ideas do not work as a connection event and work beautifully as a group night.
The tension this answers
Every leader lives inside two goals that pull against each other.
Intimacy says build close relationships between the people already in the group. Inclusion says keep the group open, keep inviting, keep making room.
Both are right. A group that only chases intimacy closes. A group that only chases inclusion never gets past small talk, and the people in it quietly stop showing up.
The workbook names that tension and leaves it there. Here is the answer we use.
Run both, on purpose, on a rhythm. A connection event once a quarter is your inclusion night. It is public, and inviting is the whole point. An Us Night is your intimacy night. It is not public, and that is not a failure of hospitality. It is what makes the group worth being invited into.
You cannot serve both goals in one evening without doing both badly. Give each one its own night and the tension stops being a tension.
Three keys hold up each side. Inclusion: always be inviting and let the whole group own it, always have an apprentice, always value reproducing. Intimacy: lead authentically, love and respect people who are at different places than you, and learn to be quiet and listen.
The teaching behind this, including how the early church did both at once, is on the Tensions page.
An Us Night can still be inclusive. If there is one person on the edge of your group who would come to a game night but never to a discussion, this is the night to invite them. Bringing one person in does not break the intimacy. Bringing eight does.
Read to your group
Next time we get together, we are not doing questions. We are just going to hang out and enjoy each other.
Here is what I am thinking. Tell me if there is something you would rather do.
Questions
Picking the night
Let the group pick. An Us Night someone else chose is a night they will show up to.
What is something you have wanted to try in this city that you would not do alone?
Making room
Ask it out loud so the invite is the group’s, not just yours.
Is there one person you would want at this who is not part of our group yet?
Next Steps for Leaders
- Put it on the calendar before you leave the room. An Us Night that does not get scheduled is an Us Night that does not happen.
- Hand it off. If someone in your group loves food, or trivia, or the Yankees, let them own the night. You will get a better night and they will get a first taste of leading.
- Do not turn it into group. No questions, no guide, no going around the circle. The connection is the content.
- Aim for one a quarter, opposite your connection event. Connection event to invite outward, Us Night to build inward.
- Watch who does not come. An Us Night is low pressure by design, so someone skipping it usually means something. Follow up.