Hoboken Grace · Care Guides
Navigating Difficult Group Circumstances
A C.A.R.E. guide for the moment something comes up in group that is bigger than you
At some point in your time as a group leader, someone brings up a serious question or situation you cannot handle. Your role is not to resolve the problem or answer the question. Your role is to encourage that person and help them get real care. Here are a few things to remember when you are in one of those moments.
TODO(nick): This guide never followed the C.A.R.E. sections. The original is a leader checklist, so I kept its own shape rather than force it into Crisis, Application, Reference, Engage. That means no jump links at the top of the page. Do you want it reworked into C.A.R.E., or left like this?
How Serious Is It?
Not every situation calls for professional help. Some do. These questions help you tell the difference.
- Do you feel overwhelmed the moment the problem comes to light?
- Is this a lifelong struggle, or something they have fallen into recently?
- Is anyone in immediate danger?
- Do the group members seem intimidated by the problem?
- Does the problem come up often at group?
If the answer to any of these is yes, talk to your Community Leader. They will help you work out how serious it is and what to do next.
Some situations we have seen have to be handled professionally from the moment they come up:
- Severe depression
- Divorce
- Eating disorders
- Drug use
- Ongoing alcohol abuse
If you run into one of these, call your Community Leader right away and start getting that person connected to the right care.
Professional help or not, remember that you are not a counselor and you should not try to be one. When the group leader becomes the counselor, the group loses its impact. This is about everyone caring for one another.
When It Comes Up, Remember
1 Corinthians 13:2 · Love comes before everything else
If I had the gift of prophecy, and if I understood all of God’s secret plans and possessed all knowledge, and if I had such faith that I could move mountains, but didn’t love others, I would be nothing.
New Living Translation (NLT)The first thing you should do is have someone pray for them.
1 Timothy 2:1 · Prayer is where we start
I urge you, first of all, to pray for all people. Ask God to help them; intercede on their behalf, and give thanks for them.
New Living Translation (NLT)Enter the situation with humility. You cannot fix people. God fixes people. The person is rarely looking for advice. They are opening their heart so you know them, not so you can practice surgery.
When the problem first comes up, pray for them and ask the group to keep praying. Then move back to your conversation. Do not try to fix it, and do not let the group try to fix it either. Something like this works:
This is beyond our understanding, and our role is to support one another in this. Let’s touch base afterward. But keep praying for ______.
Proverbs 17:28 · Silence is often the wiser move
Even fools are thought wise when they keep silent; with their mouths shut they seem intelligent.
New Living Translation (NLT)Being willing to admit you cannot handle the situation is what opens the door to real encouragement.
James 1:19 · Quick to listen, slow to speak
Understand this, my dear brothers and sisters: You must all be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to get angry.
New Living Translation (NLT)If the problem calls for professional care, contact your Community Leader immediately.
- Point the person to the counseling form at counselinghoboken.com/application.
- Follow up to make sure they submitted it.
- If they are unwilling to get help, bring another member of the group with you and meet with them about seeking care.
- If they are still unwilling, you and the group can keep praying for them. If the problem comes up again, suggest again that they get help.
As you pray for the person, ask God, what do you want to say to this person? Spend real time in prayer before you answer. What helps most is not just truth. It is wisdom, which is truth at the right time and in the right place.
James 1:5 · Ask God for wisdom
If you need wisdom, ask our generous God, and he will give it to you. He will not rebuke you for asking.
New Living Translation (NLT)Colossians 1:9 · Pray for wisdom and understanding
So we have not stopped praying for you since we first heard about you. We ask God to give you complete knowledge of his will and give you spiritual wisdom and understanding.
New Living Translation (NLT)If the situation does not call for professional care, let the group speak into it. But speak God’s word, not your opinion. Our confidence in what we say comes from scripture. Hold the group to the same standard, and do not let them give an opinion without backing it up. When Jesus answered Satan, he answered with scripture.
Fill your mind with scripture so you have something to say in these moments, and talk to people who know it well. Your Community Leader, the Group Directors, and the pastors are all there for that.
Psalm 119:105 · God’s word is what lights the path
Your word is a lamp to guide my feet and a light for my path.
New Living Translation (NLT)If the problem keeps coming up, pray for the person, but stop speaking into it.
- If they are in counseling, pray for the counseling.
- If they are refusing help, keep pointing them back toward it.
- If they are working through it, pray for them and ask for a quick update.
Once the group has prayed and heard the update, move on with the conversation. If the person keeps bringing it up, talk with them outside of group about caring for the whole group and letting everyone be part of the conversation. If it continues after that, meet with your Community Leader and the person together to talk through next steps.
You can never be too careful with difficult situations. Do not be a hero, and do not go it alone. Get advice any time you are even a little unsure. That is what your Community Leader is for. Take advantage of their role in your leadership. It is all about loving and caring for the group.
Resources
- counselinghoboken.com for the Hoboken Grace Counseling Center and its application form. Questions go to counseling@hobokengrace.com.
- care@hobokengrace.com for the Care Team: pastoral care, financial help, and other support.
- dinnergroupleader.com for group resources, the C.A.R.E. guides, and help.